get good again

10 Dec

While I am currently studying for my finals, I am listening to Pandora and silently wishing I were a rock star.

Today has been one weird day.

A week ago, I thought I was going to have my first guitar lesson in a long time. When I arrived at the studio, the guy double booked a lesson and rescheduled me. All my high hopes of finding a better teacher than the one before all crashed to the ground. It was that moment I realized I will never have a guitar teacher like J again. A few days later, I dreamt that I went to guitar lessons and everything went horribly wrong. I had this bad, uneasy feeling when I woke up and had second thoughts about taking guitar lessons again. But I ignored what I had dreamt and went to the studio again today to give the guy another chance. I picked this guitar teacher because I heard good things about him and reading his biography, he seemed reputable and professional. Meeting him in person however, I didn’t get the vibes that ‘this is the teacher’. From today and last week, it seems like life revolves around him. He apologized for being tired because he’s been studying for finals. I was thinking, “um…I have a life, too and I have been studying real hard myself.” He started quizzing me from playing chords, tuning, strumming, reading notes and all that first lesson jazz. I left the lesson feeling I don’t know how to tune. I don’t know how to play chords correctly. I don’t know how to play the ‘right G chord with the ring finger’. I don’t know how to palm mute. I don’t know a whole lot of of stuff. It’s fine. I know I don’t know a whole lot. But what is frustrating is now that I feel less of a musician. I have spent three years to this point trying to refine my techniques as a guitarist. And now I am doubting myself. None of my previous three guitar teachers ever mentioned any of this to me. All of this is frustrating and I don’t know how to comprehend all this. I loved the guitar from the beginning because I felt there were less rules to follow, unlike the conventions of classical piano. And now I feel like how I did when I took piano lessons. I am doing it all wrong…And all of this feels terribly wrong. Because I have watched way too many videos of my favourite musicians playing, how-to videos on playing songs and it feels like I have learned nothing, went nowhere and didn’t improve after all this time of playing.

A facebook friend posted a quote, “in order to learn something new, you must be willing to accept something you already know to be incorrect” and I am trying to live by these words.

I don’t know if these guitar lessons will add to something. I don’t know what to do with myself as a musician now. But I hope that some way, somehow I can get good again. And by get good again, I mean that I feel like my true musician self again. I want to play the guitar with passion as I once knew I did.

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