going to concerts alone

22 Jun

I have been to four, going on five concerts alone. In 2009, I went to Calvin Harris in London. Then last year, I went to see Joshua Radin in Melbourne. When I’m far away from home, in a far distant city, I don’t feel so alone. A month ago and also yesterday, I saw Madi Diaz in my hometown at Kilby Court. I actually missed Madi the first time (sadly, because of work), but she still played a private concert for me on a porch. Madi is genuinely nice, really talented and I was incredibly happy to meet one of my favourite musicians. At the same time, I felt a little awkward for being alone. I don’t think it hit me until I saw her again last night. I would rather avoid talking about it, but it’s hard for me not to and I need to talk about it. I realized I am extremely socially awkward when I am out of my comfort zone and alone. I just didn’t feel like myself at all and it’s like I froze or had some sort of panic attack I couldn’t get rid of. I almost felt like it was my first day attending public school in sixth grade again, where I was the new girl and there was someone nice, trying to make me feel welcome. And Madi is that type of person. She invited me to her cool circle and introduced me to the whole band that makes up Harper Blynn. I wish I had something to say and a friend who went with me. But all the bands I do like, my friends would never go with me. My best friend is religiously not supposed to attend concerts and the rest of them will only go to electronica related shows. So, there I was on my own and trying to be brave. I really do feel weird talking about this and spilling all this out on the internet for everyone to read, but I don’t think I’ve felt more alone. While I am usually reserved, but very open to close friends, I never really knew that I was this incredibly socially awkward person and it makes me sad. I live for music. Music is what I love and what seems to be running in my blood. I’ve always wanted to be a musician since I was seventeen and went to see Vanessa Carlton in Seattle. I had this thought last night of what if I can never be a professional musician because I am drawn back and silent? Because I want to write music I’m proud of and play in front of a crowd SO badly. Music is probably one of the only things I can talk about all day without being tired of it. I can’t imagine doing anything else. But what if I can never make it and music doesn’t love me back? Going to concerts alone is one of my least favourite things to do, but I go because music is something I believe in that is bigger than me, it’s a bigger part of my being and it’s what make me feel whole.

Does anyone else go to concerts alone?

I read this (http://persephonemagazine.com/2011/12/02/the-joy-of-going-to-concerts-alone/) and it only made me feel a teeny, tiny bit better.


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